Only For You

Posted: April 20, 2017 in Uncategorized

Why am I here?
Why do I stay?
There is nothing to hold me,
not to this place.
No one to catch me,
if I were to fall into nightmare.
Yet here I stay.
Yet here I am.
The water is part of my soul,
but not the reason for being.
The fire, part of my mind,
but not the reason for living.
So, why do I stay?
The air is not as clean as it could be,
but more pure than many places I’ve been.
But that is not enough
to keep me prisoner here, alone.
The earth calls to me,
but it is muffled through the pain.
Love is the meaning, and the intention,
but it will leave me here in this place forever.
A captive, tied up and held down.
So why am I here?
I’m in the right place,
but the wrong time.
In a crowd,
but alone.
Eternity in the blink of an eye,
though a minute feels like centuries.
I no longer have a place here.
Something keeps me here though.
Time to reconsider things,
all that fate has dealt
and what cards it still has to play.
Remember, fate is a cruel master.
Looking back, I must crave cruelty,
Emotions are my nemesis,
my most hated enemy.
And they bind tighter than any rope or chain.
So my answer, why am I here?
For you.
Why do I stay?
Only for you, my dear.
Only for you.


Dear Readers,

I have finally gotten my shit together and have a way to post! This is the first chapter of my story THE THREE OF. I hope you like it. I do not have a beta reader or editor, so any mistakes are completely my own, and this is my first crack at writing, so please be patient with me (productive criticism is fine, but if you are one of those people who just like to tear shit apart and  make the writer feel bad, fuck off. I won’t let your negativity bother me in the least). Enjoy!


p.s. i do not own the rights to this pic, i got it on shutterstock. <<<


Chapter One

Laying on my bed alone, I’m trying not to think about him. Useless. The new boy has caught my eye, and my interest. I was quite content to fake-date girls until after high school, but now Thad has me yearning to be true to myself. Ugh. Damn it, I don’t even know if he’s gay! I could just be pining after the impossible.

“Jayse, dinner’s ready!” Mom yells up the stairs.

“Okay, be right down” I answer.

**10 minutes later**

“I’m fine Mom. Just not that hungry.” I’m really not hungry. My guts feel like a twisted pretzel.

“You’re just pushing your food around your plate. Something’s wrong, so out with it. Are you and Danielle having problems?” she asks. Pushy, as usual.

“No. Yes. I…” I can feel how red my face is getting. I never could lie to my Mom very well.

“Enough. Spill it. What’s up?”

“I…oh hell, I broke up with Dani. I couldn’t be true to her when I want someone else. It’s not fair to either of us.” I say, getting even more nervous.

“Well, that’s honest. I’m proud of you for not stringing her along. It’s not easy to see that in yourself sometimes.” Mom tells me.

I sigh. A deep breath, I let it out, and I decide to go ahead.

“There’s more. You may not like it.”

“Okay, tell me” she says as she pushes her plate to the side, giving me her full attention.

“My other interest is, um, not someone you’d expect. And I’m not even sure if he’s interested in me.” I blurt out.

It takes a minute as I watch her face go from that ‘I’m paying attention to what you’re saying’ look to that of ‘oh, i HEARD what you just said’ look. Comprehension dawns right there in front of me. Shit, have I completely fucked up?

She takes a long drink of her wine, then looks right at me and says, ‘Just to be sure, I did hear ‘if HE’S interested’ didn’t I?

“Yes Mom. I had planned on waiting awhile to talk to you, but meetin Thad has changed plans. Are you okay with it?” I know Mom loves me, and I really didn’t expect this to be a big deal, but you never know. It’s that 1% chance that scares the shit out of me.

She rolls her eyes and says “of course I’m okay with it. I love you no matter what, just a bit surprised is all. With all the girls you’ve dated, this wasn’t even on my radar. I was more worried about you getting someone pregnant! Guess that’s one worry off my mind. ” She giggles a bit as she says this, and walks over to hug me.

“I don’t find this funny at all”, I say. “What are you laughing about?”

“Well, it IS a bit funny, considering the fact that my brother, your Uncle Brad is gay. And I was a bit blindsided by this. Your father insisted on keeping it from you. He was quite homophobic, and didn’t want Brad anywhere near you. I’ve kept in touch with Brad without your father knowing. He just lives on the north side, and I would sneak visits occasionally.” she told me.

I knew that Mom had a brother, but I never met him. Now I knew why. I never got along with my Dad, not really, but he died in a motorcycle accident 5 years ago.

“Jayse, I guess it’s time you met your Uncle Brad, if you want. We can go this weekend, spend Saturday afternoon with him. What do you think?

“Absolutely! Why did you keep me from him after Dad died?”, I asked.

“Habit, I guess. And Brad was afraid of how you would react, worried that you had picked up your father’s beliefs about gays.” she answered. “I’m going to assume that is not going to be a problem now, right?”, she asked with a smirk.

I’m gonna say no, not a problem!”, I answered, excited about the prospect of finally meeting my uncle.

You are, and always have been, my Lighthouse. The light from your soul keeps me from crashing onto the rocks. You save me, and get me safely through every storm. 


I had a dream tonight. I was holding my exboyfriend, at his work…sorta. I was so happy that my brain didn’t pick up that it was just a dream. I did not realize I missed him so much.

It’s been 15 years since we “dated”. And we completely lost contact over 6 years ago, when I moved to Charleston. We were friends through all these years, or so I thought. Obviously our friendship meant more to me than to him since he was given my number months ago and has not bothered himself to call.

Sometimes I truly think that Love is overrated, and that most humans would be better off without it messing up their brains and their lives. I’ve always loved him. And I always will. Seems like I will be missing him for the rest of my days, as few or as many as they may be.

ok everyone, typing this on my phone, soplease excuse any mistakes! Here goes…

“He’s ours now. They both are. No matter the reasons, their ives were hell and they had no family. They do now, WE are their family! And we WILL actually protect them. Even from you!” I’m guessing that I had no idea how loud I had become, but when I turned around with Thad’s hand in mine, everyone nearby was looking at us. Including Tucker, Charlie and Travis, with their mouths hanging open. Thad and I did not stop walking. Hand in hand, we walked back to the front of the protest, so we were not privy to the next statement from Mom to Mrs. Fowler.

“My son was exactly right, Mrs. Fowler. You alliwed your hysband to nearly destroy those boys. Tucker has a record because of it. The one responsibility above all others for a parent is to keep their children safe. And you couldn’t even do that. If those boys ever ask my opinion, I will tell them to forgive you. But I will also tell them to never allow you back into their lives. Email me your contact info just in case they choose to see you. The difference between you and me is this: I will still love them even if they don’t do what I think is best for them.’ And with that, she walked away.

“Your Honor, I think you need to see it,” Charlie tells the Judge. 

The boys stepped in front of the Judge, turned their backs to him, and Charlie took his shirt off then helped his brother raise the back of his shirt. “Gonna show him the rest, Tucker. Just another minute and it will be over.”

He pulled down the back of the pants his brother was wearing, making sure that the front stayed up. I heard the Judge gasp, look at Charlie and say, “you too?” Charlie said nothing, just pulling the back of his own pants down, pulling another gasp from the Judge while he shook his head.

“Bailiff, I want Mr. Fowler placed under arrest. Now. And I want pictures of this. Mr. Prosecutor, I am putting you on this, and I want him away from the human race for as long as possible. You will also be dealing with Mrs. Fowler. Charlie, was your mother beaten as well?”

“Yes Sir.”

“Then same as the boys, Mr. Prosecutor. Mrs. Dorcet, your plan?”


note: This excerpt is from a ways into the book. It gives away a bit, but raises many questions as well. The excerpt also did not have Jayce or Thad in it, but Mrs. Dorcet is Jayce’s mom, and Tucker’s attorney. Now does it make a little more sense? Lol

Soon, soon I will have my laptop and be able to begin typing out my chapters off my notebooks!


With all the crazy shit going on in the world lately, i really needed to find something positive to post. I finally found it in a post by my friend NightTempest. This is the post for one day last week. I’m posting it here with permission. It’s truly a great thing, and I’m proud to call Night my friend! Enjoy, friends!
Everyday like clockwork I go into Starbucks.  Anybody who knows me, knows how much I love that damn place.  The baristas–both near my work and my home–know me by name and my voice in the drive-thru.  Some may find that a bit crazy but I look at it as a reward for a long damn day about to begin and then on the way home as a reward for putting up with the shit I put up with.  It’s my thing and crazy or not, something about the tiny coffee haven relaxes me.   So I go inside last night because the drive-thru is packed with beach goers and I’m like no friggin way am I sitting there for fifteen minutes. Plus I know my friend Adam is working and if I go inside, he’ll give me a free cookie. 🙂 Night+Cookie=Sparkles. Once inside, I notice the line.  The big ass, almost out the door line and i groan but I’m already out of the car, so I decide to stay.  This is where the real plot begins. Lol. But no seriously, have you ever had that moment that you knew you were meant to be there? At that exact time, at that exact place?  Divine intervention people. It’s real. So not to sound like a crazy person but if I wasn’t a believer in fate before, I am now.  Three or four people get their coffee in the next round of line moving and it’s then that I notice the couple in front of me.  The two boys (early twenties), one smiles at the other and then he kind of rub shoulders with the blonde guy and I’m curious but not a creeper so I kind of glance away.  When I look back, the boy on the left looks really upset but is *trying* not to show it.  His now obvious boyfriend puts an arm around his shoulders and looks to my far left.  Then I notice the source of upset. Two guys and a girl are at a table glaring at the boys.  I should also tell you that I live in the most tight ass conservative town you’ve ever seen.  We have a church on almost every other block, way too many republicans, and a pre-dominately Dutch population. Or rather people who think they’re Dutch but just come off as a bunch of prissy moronic snobs. (My dad’s parents are from the Netherlands and they laugh at what our town considers ‘heritage’ when they come to visit.   Let’s put it that way.) Now let’s imagine the town’s view on gay rights and acceptable behavior as far as any lgbt individual is concerned shall we?  It’s down right disgusting the way they treat them.  Now I happen to know the girl that’s with them and know she’s just a straight bitch but the two boys are the ones that stand up and make for the trash station which happens to be right behind the gay couple.  That’s when things get real.  I’ve hung around with enough boys (3 brothers?) to know the look that goes through a guy’s eyes when he’s about to do something he knows he’s not supposed to but enjoys doing anyways.  They both had it and I stepped in front of the gay couple without saying anything.   I turned and acted like I was waiting for my turn but didn’t miss the confused looks from both parties.  The dumb ass twins stopped and the one smirked as I turned and smiled at him sweetly.  He pulled the lid off his sorta empty coffee cup and was about to throw it over the guys and into the trash–trying to dump the remaining contents on the guys from above.  This was when I cleared my throat and made a show of putting out my hand and telling them I would throw it out for them.  Everybody watched because I said it *really* loud. 😀 The guys looked at each other and then handed over the cup after seeing that Adam and the entire staff was watching as well.   They mumbled ‘slut’ and ‘bitch’ on the way out but I blew them a kiss and continued to wait in line.  The girl rolled her eyes and nudged me as she passed.  I kissed her boyfriend once in uh…high school….get over it wench.  Anyway, everything was normal again–the crappy indie music was going, grinders were making me grit my teeth, people on laptops…blah blah.  Then the boyfriend pulled the upset guy close and kissed him on the lips.  A few people noticed and a few people moved away.  Above the fact that two guys kissing is like a major turn on,  that they did it out in the open in this town took some balls.  It was like a true fuck you to anyone that was watching and I kind of wanted to fist pump but then I would have truly looked like a drunken crazy bitch, so I didn’t. I smiled when they glanced at me with a nod.  I knew they knew what I did but I wasn’t out to make a scene over it.  I would just hope someone would do it for me if the roles had been reversed so I just nodded back.  When they got to the counter the boy on the right stepped aside and told me to go ahead with a smile.  The boy on the left nodded but still looked upset and backed up.  Adam of course was his bouncy self and hugged me over the counter and gave me a kiss on the cheek.  And a cookie! Wahhhh sooooo good. Anywho, we chatted for a minute and I got an idea.  The boys had their backs turned and were in some serious conversation, so I slipped Adam an extra fifteen and said to pay for their drinks. He gave me the cute pouty face and hugged me again before we talked about having dinner at my house on Friday (today).  I waved and got my drink as he greeted the gay couple.  Of course he knew them. Lol. Adam knows everybody. Smh with a grin. I left and that was that.  I didn’t stick around to see what they thought, I just figured it was a bit of goodwill and I’ve done it before.  No biggie.  Boy was I soooo wrong.   So fast forward to tonight.  I got out of work a little early today and went home to start up the grill with my bf and a few of our close friends.  D and his brothers and their people are there and the party is hoppin a bit (it’s actually still going :D, I just had to get this out quick).  Then Adam shows up and pulls me inside away from the crowd.  There in my living room is the couple from Starbucks.  I’m like whoa! Uh ok.  So I awkwardly say hello because I’m kind of floored and they say hey back.  Then Tim (Mr. Upset) walked up to me and gave me a big hug.  Now I don’t know this guy or his boyfriend and he’s hugging me like we’re family. He doesn’t let go for a minute but when he does he’s got tears all over his face and when someone cries, it makes me wanna cry.  ♥♥ Tim, with the help of Ryan–his boyfriend–explained that right before they went to Starbucks yesterday, Tim had come out to his parents.  To make a long story short, they made it clear he was no longer allowed in their home.  Making matters worse, the boys at Starbucks knew the couple from the college they attend and are known for their dislike of gays and black people. Which makes sense if they hang out with that girl (her dad is a member of the militia=fucked up). So the day had been rough times ten and Tim told me that it took everything he had not to burst into tears at Starbucks when I stepped in front of them and took that cup away.   After I left and they had found out about me paying for their drinks, they insisted on thanking me personally, so Adam brought them along.  Ryan was the one who mentioned the fate aspect of it all.  He said it could not have played out better if he had imagined it.  While they had been in line, they were talking about the good in some people and that not everyone would turn their back on them because they were gay.  Then I came in when Tim was ten seconds from losing it and proved Ryan’s point.  That’s when I broke down because hell, who wouldn’t?  We talked about a lot of personal issues that my own family faced and how lucky Tim was to have Ryan and a few other things but by the end of their visit?  I know Tim felt better.  We’re getting together next weekend and I have a feeling they’ll be part of our little group in no time.  They’re seriously two of the sweetest people I’ve ever met. The moral of all this to me?  You have no idea the effect you have on people.  Whether it’s your words, your actions, or the look in your eyes, someone is watching and listening to you.  What do you want them to see?  What do you want them to hear?  Don’t be afraid of being the minority in any situation.  If you feel the way you feel, don’t be shy.  Speak up. Sweet dreams everyone ~XOXOXO NIGHTTEMPEST

Ah, Happy Easter everyone! I must say, it has been a very interesting one to say the least…

My day started out with sleeping in an extra hour because I knew it would be slow at work…hmm, thinking this was a good start to my day was very deceptive. I got to work to take my cab out, and it’s in the shop for work….again….so I end up in cab 65. Now, 65 is a very nice cab, much newer than my usual #3, so I thought again, a good day was coming….oh, if only I had remembered that Murphy has a hitlist out on me!

It started out with realizing (too late to do anything about it) that there was only 1/2 tank of gas in the car. Meaning that I would have to pay to fill it at the end of the day. If I had caught it before I left the Point, I would have been fine, but NO, I noticed it after I left and got my first fare….

Then, from 7:30 a.m. to noon, I only had 4 runs…this SUCKS!!!

From then on, my day only went downhill….my credit  card machine wouldn’t print, and I also could not print cash receipts for people…big problem. As if this wasn’t enough, I get a call for a guy going to the Naval Base (which some parts you need a special I.D. to get in, which I do not have yet) and the dispatcher couldn’t tell me if this was one of those areas or not. I thought he was cancelling the call, but it remained on my computer, and he went on a break, leaving me sitting there wondering WTF to do.

Finally I just went to the house for the run. No one came out. I left, but stayed close by because I still could not get hold of dispatch on the computer to sort it out. I finally just called the phone for the back office to find out what is going on, finding out that nothing is going to dispatch from our computers. BIG issue!

So I call the guy from the Naval Base, and he says that no I.D. is needed and I take him. It’s close by the Point, so I go back to the Point and talk to the dispatcher about what was going on. There for another 1/2 hour, then I leave to get back to work. At this time, all of a sudden the A/C has stopped working, and I have had it. I take the cab back, talk to dispatch to make sure they had enough drivers, and I go home early.

Ahh, but please don’t think that Murphy is finished with me yet! He’s on a roll, and he’s going to get me yet…..

So I call the kid that had owed me a fare from the other day (I had his license and I forgot to give it back to him when he paid me…long story, but I’m too fucking nice to people….) so I take his license n back to him in Mount Pleasant. He notices my rear tire is low, so now I’m having to rush back home, search the phone book for a tire store (I could hear the leak, the valve stem was leaking, quite suddenly…) and finally figured out that Sears is open for another 45 minutes…so I rush over to West Ashley to the Citadel Mall for Sears to fix my tire.

Sears had quoted me $19 for a valve stem replacement…a little pricey I thought, but nothing else is open on Easter Sunday, so WTF, ok. I also ended up needing some brake fluid and power steering fluid, etc… it ended up to be $32. I had $52 and some change on me. Now, I had already told the guy about the tire being on a steel rim that tends to weld itself to the wheel, and that they needed a sledgehammer to get it off the last time they took it off. Apparently, he paid no attention to what I said…..they couldn’t get the tire off, and no sledgehammer in the shop. NO sledgehammer??? In an auto department??? hmmm……

By this time, they had closed 10 minutes ago and wanted to leave. They tried telling me that they wouldn’t be able to fix it tonight. Ummmm, NO. It’s flat. I can’t even drive it out of the parking lot. It MUST be fixed. Tonight. Now. I’ll buy a fucking sledgehammer myself so you can fix my car. So that’s what I do. By the time I went to the tools, found what I need (with the southern gentleman slowly talking/walking his way along trying to find the hammer section….) and returned, they had the tire off. They fixed it, but not without a bit of attitude. Yes, I know it’s now 5:30, and your families are waiting for you….but you were open when I got here, and if you had the proper tools, it would have been done by 5:05.

The only good things coming from today were the fact that I got 2 more regular customers for my cab….private runs, regularly. Almost daily. So, we’ll see what happens next! 🙂

It has to get better….it can’t possibly stay this way….

Oh, and I forgot to tell you about the $47 fare that little bitch booked on…..if I see her, I’m running her over with my cab.