my life is truly confusing

Posted: February 25, 2011 in personal history
Tags: , , , ,

I don’t really understand how my life takes such turns. I’m confused, a little drunk, and a bit off-balance. For those that know me, you will probably guess who I’m talking about in this blog, but shit happens. I don’t understand either.

I had a good friend once. Very dear to my heart, though he never knew it until almost 3 years ago. He’s now dating another very good friend. This initial good friend (we shall call him imp) has been a friend on and off since ’98. It was one of those things where we immediately grew close, and became very good friends. We’ve had our ups and downs, not speaking many times, once for as long as a year and a half (before this last time, i’ll explain shortly).  He was always into twinks, of which I have never been, so I kept my mouth shut. We had occasional trysts, always, to my knowledge, unfeeling, unemotional and unfulfilling. We both dated others, and in the process I fell in love with someone I could never have emotionally. Though in denial for 1 1/2 years, the end result came about of course, and I ended up moving out of the state.

Before I left, I went to Imps house (we spent many weekends drinking and partying together), to say goodbye to him and all my friends in Ohio. We had a frank discussion, saying things that we both never realized in the other. But I was leaving. Neither of us ever guessed that there might have been a chance for us…and according to this discussion, there was…but again, i was leaving. No harm  in admitting to someone moving 700 miles away that there were feelings that we both hid for 10 years, eh?

We kept in touch while I was away (I’m still away, please don’t think otherwise LOL), and in time we decided that he should move down here with me. This was very nearly a year after I had moved away. I live in the south now, and the draw of the sun and the beach was very appealing I guess. So he moved here with me, away from his family and friends, something he’d never done before in his life.

There is a point that I understand the panic that he must have felt, though I truly wish he had talked to me about it. He stayed 6 days. I was driving his car mostly, because he was uncomfortable with not knowing where things were, and didn’t want to venture out on his own, and I didn’t have a car at the time (his was a classic car, a very beautiful Monte).  I kept trying to get him to explore on his own, while I was at work so he wasn’t sitting at home bored to death. Instead, he had me take his car to work instead of the bus, and he worked on things at the house that needed some work. I truly appreciated both sentiments, that of letting me drive his “baby” and him taking the time and effort to do things to the house to make it better for us. And I told him every day when I got home from work that I appreciated what he had done that day, and it was wonderful to have him back in my life so closely. I was figuring that with our talk before I left Ohio, that he would understand that I wanted more….but I wanted to give him time to get used to the atmosphere before I brought it up. I was a manager of a restaurant then, and I worked tons of hours…I was off on Monday, and was expecting a big bonus soon from working tons extra while the owners were away on their honeymoon….but things didn’t work out the way that I planned.

Since I had been telling him to explore more on his own while I was at work, he took me up on it on Sunday….I was off on Monday, and on Sundays I worked a triple shift, breakfast, lunch and dinner, as manager and server. He took me to work and dropped me off, and said that he’d pick me up afterwards. I was very busy, as usual for a sunday, and when I got off work, I thought he would be there, I had already told him before what time to pick me up. He wasn’t there, so I waited outside, and the kitchen boys waited with me. He didn’t answer his cell, and didn’t show up, so after awhile, the kitchen boys offered to take me home.

I got out of there car, and knew something wasn’t right, because Imp’s car was gone. They stuck around for a minute, and when I went inside, all of Imp’s stuff was gone. I was shocked. Six days…a note that basically said nothing, and a TV that he couldn’t lift by himself to put in the car. I freaked. I told the kitchen boys to leave. I was distraught, and they didn’t want to, but I made them. Sitting alone in a house that I had planned on sharing, depressed as only I can be, I began to think of what an idiot I was that I had planned on taking him to the beach the next day and walking along the water and discussing where I thought that maybe our relationship might go, since we had had a conversation about our feelings for each other before I left, and I thought that might be why he moved South with me…obviously not.

I was told by mutual friends that he was telling people that it was like living in a college dorm where you had to write your name on food that you bought. Spending money on things that pertained to the house, he ran out of money too soon, and panicked. (that was what i tried to convince myself, anyway). I could take care of us at that point, my boss would give me anything I asked, and he would have given me more hours if I had needed, though I was already working 60 hours a week.

I have to explain why he thought that about the food….I moved here with one of my oldest friends Gina, and when I moved here, they supported me for months while I worked at finding a job, and doing what needed done. We worked together to make it work, because we are the only people we have to depend on here. We were all away from our families in Ohio, and that was what we did. When I moved out, we would trade whatever was needed…if she needed food this week, I would tell her to come and raid my cupboards, and vice-versa. So in the 6 days that Imp was here, it was time for her to need food, which I gave her. Apparently, that didn’t sit well with him, and that’s the reason he gave everyone for leaving SC and going back north.

He started dating my friend (we shall call him Lex). It was a very difficult situation, talking to Lex and not to Imp, causing some awkwardness. A few months ago, I got an email from Imp saying that if he had not left, he would have died because he would not have gotten the proper health care needed to find out that he was diabetic. I sent one back, saying that I cared about him, and that if he had gotten sick here, did he really think that I wouldn’t have found a way to take care of it?? He wanted to patch things up, but was forceful about me needing to forgive him for leaving the way he did. I told him that I was done, we had had too many problems in our past, and that I couldn’t trust him again, and I forgive but never forget. I did not want to give him the knife back that I took out of my back so that he could stab me again someday…..

Tonight, as I’m talking to Lex online, with Imp there, he says that Imp says Hi. Ok, I can be civil, so I say Hi back. Suddenly, Imp has friend-requested me…ok, I can be civil. Approved. I had bought some beer tonight, so I had just started drinking. So now, according to our past, we are going to do Tele-shots. (You phone someone far away, and do shots together over the phone). Something we had done for years when I lived up north. So now he’s on the phone, and Lex is in the background, knowing some of our past but not all. It becomes like every other time that we’ve disagreed and not spoken….like nothing had ever happened. The problems ignored.

I’m really curious why he would even want to talk to me after that last email that I told him that I didn’t want him in my life anymore because I couldn’t trust him. I’m still confused. I don’t get it. Yes, I miss him terribly, but I made a decision awhile back, and made him aware of it, that I couldn’t do that anymore. Now, it seems that things are just back to “normal” and I have issues with this. Yet I don’t want to be an ass…I’m confused and half-drunk, and I just don’t understand the reasoning. They want to come and visit me in the fall….how the fuck do I deal with this?? For years, Imp was at family functions with me, whether it be reunions, christmas, birthdays, weddings, funerals….everyone knows what happened, how hurt I was….how do I deal with this?? I’m not sure I want him in my life (I do, and I don’t), let alone telling those that truly care about me that he’s back….and with Lex. Ironically, for the years that Imp and I were friends, on and off,  both of our mothers thought that we should be, or were, dating….LOL

As much as I miss him, I’m not sure I can deal with the past, all those times we parted ways, just to renew our friendship like nothing ever happened. I’m not sure I can go through this again….and I know it will be again, it always is….

——-> I wrote this post last night while I was drunk, after talking to “imp” for an hour and a half on the phone. I wanted to look at it sober, so I saved it to drafts, and took a look at it today. I’m ok with it (sometimes I tend to ramble when I drink, so I wanted to be sure before I actually posted it. LOL)

This is a very hard time for me, when he does this. As I said, he’s done this before-several times. So any comments would be appreciated. Thank you!

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