Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Only For You

Posted: April 20, 2017 in Uncategorized

Why am I here?
Why do I stay?
There is nothing to hold me,
not to this place.
No one to catch me,
if I were to fall into nightmare.
Yet here I stay.
Yet here I am.
The water is part of my soul,
but not the reason for being.
The fire, part of my mind,
but not the reason for living.
So, why do I stay?
The air is not as clean as it could be,
but more pure than many places I’ve been.
But that is not enough
to keep me prisoner here, alone.
The earth calls to me,
but it is muffled through the pain.
Love is the meaning, and the intention,
but it will leave me here in this place forever.
A captive, tied up and held down.
So why am I here?
I’m in the right place,
but the wrong time.
In a crowd,
but alone.
Eternity in the blink of an eye,
though a minute feels like centuries.
I no longer have a place here.
Something keeps me here though.
Time to reconsider things,
all that fate has dealt
and what cards it still has to play.
Remember, fate is a cruel master.
Looking back, I must crave cruelty,
Emotions are my nemesis,
my most hated enemy.
And they bind tighter than any rope or chain.
So my answer, why am I here?
For you.
Why do I stay?
Only for you, my dear.
Only for you.

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You are, and always have been, my Lighthouse. The light from your soul keeps me from crashing onto the rocks. You save me, and get me safely through every storm. 

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I had a dream tonight. I was holding my exboyfriend, at his work…sorta. I was so happy that my brain didn’t pick up that it was just a dream. I did not realize I missed him so much.

It’s been 15 years since we “dated”. And we completely lost contact over 6 years ago, when I moved to Charleston. We were friends through all these years, or so I thought. Obviously our friendship meant more to me than to him since he was given my number months ago and has not bothered himself to call.

Sometimes I truly think that Love is overrated, and that most humans would be better off without it messing up their brains and their lives. I’ve always loved him. And I always will. Seems like I will be missing him for the rest of my days, as few or as many as they may be.

ok everyone, typing this on my phone, soplease excuse any mistakes! Here goes…

“He’s ours now. They both are. No matter the reasons, their ives were hell and they had no family. They do now, WE are their family! And we WILL actually protect them. Even from you!” I’m guessing that I had no idea how loud I had become, but when I turned around with Thad’s hand in mine, everyone nearby was looking at us. Including Tucker, Charlie and Travis, with their mouths hanging open. Thad and I did not stop walking. Hand in hand, we walked back to the front of the protest, so we were not privy to the next statement from Mom to Mrs. Fowler.

“My son was exactly right, Mrs. Fowler. You alliwed your hysband to nearly destroy those boys. Tucker has a record because of it. The one responsibility above all others for a parent is to keep their children safe. And you couldn’t even do that. If those boys ever ask my opinion, I will tell them to forgive you. But I will also tell them to never allow you back into their lives. Email me your contact info just in case they choose to see you. The difference between you and me is this: I will still love them even if they don’t do what I think is best for them.’ And with that, she walked away.

Ah, Happy Easter everyone! I must say, it has been a very interesting one to say the least…

My day started out with sleeping in an extra hour because I knew it would be slow at work…hmm, thinking this was a good start to my day was very deceptive. I got to work to take my cab out, and it’s in the shop for work….again….so I end up in cab 65. Now, 65 is a very nice cab, much newer than my usual #3, so I thought again, a good day was coming….oh, if only I had remembered that Murphy has a hitlist out on me!

It started out with realizing (too late to do anything about it) that there was only 1/2 tank of gas in the car. Meaning that I would have to pay to fill it at the end of the day. If I had caught it before I left the Point, I would have been fine, but NO, I noticed it after I left and got my first fare….

Then, from 7:30 a.m. to noon, I only had 4 runs…this SUCKS!!!

From then on, my day only went downhill….my credit  card machine wouldn’t print, and I also could not print cash receipts for people…big problem. As if this wasn’t enough, I get a call for a guy going to the Naval Base (which some parts you need a special I.D. to get in, which I do not have yet) and the dispatcher couldn’t tell me if this was one of those areas or not. I thought he was cancelling the call, but it remained on my computer, and he went on a break, leaving me sitting there wondering WTF to do.

Finally I just went to the house for the run. No one came out. I left, but stayed close by because I still could not get hold of dispatch on the computer to sort it out. I finally just called the phone for the back office to find out what is going on, finding out that nothing is going to dispatch from our computers. BIG issue!

So I call the guy from the Naval Base, and he says that no I.D. is needed and I take him. It’s close by the Point, so I go back to the Point and talk to the dispatcher about what was going on. There for another 1/2 hour, then I leave to get back to work. At this time, all of a sudden the A/C has stopped working, and I have had it. I take the cab back, talk to dispatch to make sure they had enough drivers, and I go home early.

Ahh, but please don’t think that Murphy is finished with me yet! He’s on a roll, and he’s going to get me yet…..

So I call the kid that had owed me a fare from the other day (I had his license and I forgot to give it back to him when he paid me…long story, but I’m too fucking nice to people….) so I take his license n back to him in Mount Pleasant. He notices my rear tire is low, so now I’m having to rush back home, search the phone book for a tire store (I could hear the leak, the valve stem was leaking, quite suddenly…) and finally figured out that Sears is open for another 45 minutes…so I rush over to West Ashley to the Citadel Mall for Sears to fix my tire.

Sears had quoted me $19 for a valve stem replacement…a little pricey I thought, but nothing else is open on Easter Sunday, so WTF, ok. I also ended up needing some brake fluid and power steering fluid, etc…..so it ended up to be $32. I had $52 and some change on me. Now, I had already told the guy about the tire being on a steel rim that tends to weld itself to the wheel, and that they needed a sledgehammer to get it off the last time they took it off. Apparently, he paid no attention to what I said…..they couldn’t get the tire off, and no sledgehammer in the shop. NO sledgehammer??? In an auto department??? hmmm……

By this time, they had closed 10 minutes ago and wanted to leave. They tried telling me that they wouldn’t be able to fix it tonight. Ummmm, NO. It’s flat. I can’t even drive it out of the parking lot. It MUST be fixed. Tonight. Now. I’ll buy a fucking sledgehammer myself so you can fix my car. So that’s what I do. By the time I went to the tools, found what I need (with the southern gentleman slowly talking/walking his way along trying to find the hammer section….) and returned, they had the tire off. They fixed it, but not without a bit of attitude. Yes, I know it’s now 5:30, and your families are waiting for you….but you were open when I got here, and if you had the proper tools, it would have been done by 5:05.

The only good things coming from today were the fact that I got 2 more regular customers for my cab….private runs, regularly. Almost daily. So, we’ll see what happens next! 🙂

It has to get better….it can’t possibly stay this way….

Oh, and I forgot to tell you about the $47 fare that little bitch booked on…..if I see her, I’m running her over with my cab.

hope and despair

Posted: February 22, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

HOPE

——-

Hope is what the world wants, needs, desires. Hope in equality, hope in achievement, hope in personal enrichment, hope in spiritual enlightenment, hope for the future. Is there any stronger thing in the world? Maybe only Love and hate….and despair. Everyone has hope, whether they believe it or not, but despair will try to deprive them of that truth. There is always hope. If you believe that there is hope.

Hope and Love of course go hand in hand, as do hate and despair. People with Love in their hearts will love others and have hope for their future, others’ futures, and positive things when they look forward. Exactly the opposite is true with hate and despair. People who hate see no future for themselves, are jealous of those with Love in their hearts, and despair of ever having good things in their lives.

I find it amazing how some people can let hatred lead them to despair so easily. Many don’t even try to combat it, and some don’t  even recognize it for what it is. Mind you, hate is not the only thing that can lead to despair. There is loneliness, jealousy, along with chemical dependency and other disorders, It’s not an easy thing to stay away from, but it IS possible.

I can not fathom why some people hate as they do. It’s a miserable existence, to feel animosity towards everyone, or even just particular groups of others. It feeds on your soul, and takes bits away as if it were a bite, ripping away chunks that you can never get back. It makes you feel worthless, jealous and alone. Why would someone make a choice to be these things? Humanity was not meant for this.

What humanity WAS meant for is love, brotherhood, unity, and a bright future filled with all the good things that this life contains. Your soul craves these things. Your soul is your anchor for your personal morality, your compass for right and wrong, your vase to fill with beautiful flowers or to empty and put away under the kitchen sink where no one can see it, appreciate it, or love it. And some  people don’t put the vase away, they just let the flowers rot, and leave the old stagnant water in it to turn brown with the rotting stems of the once-beautiful flowers. What kind of soul do YOU have? One filled with Love, one filled with Hate, or an empty one placed on a shelf? THIS is truly a choice. Not always consciously, but always a choice. You can choose to be hopeful or you can choose to lose yourself in your own miasma of negative emotions and actions.  It’s your call, and I’m not giving you a quarter to make it. You have to do it on your own. It’s your life, your mind, your body, your spirit, your very soul on the line, and it’s up to you to change what needs changed and make things better for yourself and those around you.

comments

Posted: February 19, 2011 in Uncategorized

I’d love to hear comments from the people reading! I will ask for no hatespeech, and that you use your own opinions and thoughts, not just the usual “the bible says…” crap.  Like the guy who had the leviticus verse about homosexuality tattooed on his arm, and a chapter later it says that tattoos are against god….hmmmmm…..

You know, i have never understood why people have to hate on others. I understand that in school, those that fear their homosexuality, fear being found out, or just plain don’t understand those feelings tend to be hateful towards those that ARE out. But outright hate towards gays by adults? I’ve never understood that. This page on Facebook is hateful and needs to be reported as such: http://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=group_166097120085626&ap=1#!/pages/No-Tears-for-Queers/191900384171737  If you have a facebook and don’t agree with hatespeech, please report it. You don’t have to join to do so.

In my life, i’ve been bullied. I was not out, or even suspected of being gay in school, so I wasn’t bullied for being gay then. I was bullied because i wasn’t thin, or because i was shy, or because i hung out with certain people. But as an adult, i’ve had my nose broken twice-through no fault of my own. Both were sucker-punches, with the “heterosexual male” not even giving warning that he was upset about anything before doing it. I’ve been called a faggot (amongst other things)  while walking down the street, or coming out of a gay bar. I truly can’t imagine what my life in school would have been like if i had come out-but I do know it would have been miserable. I already had depression problems then, so i probably would not have survived high school in that case. I went to a small school in WV, and they were not accepting of anything back then. Now, many of my friends from school know, and have no problem with it. But still, a cold chill runs down my spine when I go to grafton knowing that people know about me now. My family no longer lives there, and I never visit that place alone. And even when I do visit, I usually only visit a select few of my closest friends while there, and don’t tend to wander around too much, except where i grew up and my old stomping grounds.

I just truly don’t understand the hate someone can have for a total stranger. These people that hate on gays don’t know us, any of us. I haven’t tried to seduce a straight guy (though i have had several offer themselves to me in curiosity). I don’t go around flirting with straight men, I don’t go around feeling them up, or touching their ass. But they hate me because of things I do in private, that they’ve never even seen me do. WTF? I’ve even been gay-bashed by one of my best friends, sitting at his kitchen table (not one of the times i had my nose broken, but had a black eye for a couple weeks). He knew i was gay for 10 years, he was fine with it. He had actually dated drag queens, so it’s not even like he was THAT straight. His wife came in after he sucker-punched me and called me a fucking faggot, and was she screaming and crying. she didn’t understand why he did it, and neither did I-nor do I to this day. He was drunk of course, he was always drunk, but still, that’s no excuse for punching your best friend. He of course immediately apologized, but we were never the same, and I cut him out of my life soon after that. A shame, truly. He’s asked his ex to have me call him, and i refuse. I will never let someone like that back in my life. My thoughts-why would I give someone back the knife that I had to pull out of my back so they can use it on me again??

I guess I’ll never understand why someone hates someone for who they love or who they have sex with. As if it’s any of their business. I’m not jamming it down their throats when asking for my rights, I’m just asking for my rights as a human being that I deserve. I deserve to be able to marry the person i love. I deserve to be able to make medical decisions about my life partner, i deserve to be able to adopt a child with my life partner, i deserve to be able to have him on my health insurance or vice versa, i deserve what every straight person deserves-my own life, and the perks that are a part of everyones life but the gay community’s. And I still don’t understand how people use the exact same arguments about gay marriage as they did about blacks and women and native americans. “they don’t deserve it” or “they aren’t real people” or “the bible says blah blah blah”. Many people back in the days of the black freedom marches argued against the rights of black people. Now those people are looked upon as bigots and hateful humans. Don’t the people that fight against gay rights see that THAT is how they will be viewed in 20 or 30 years?? Humans are supposed to learn from their mistakes, from the past…but they never truly do, do they?