the beginning-chapter4

Time to return to the past….

Let’s see…I was working at the Loyal Oak Taverne in Norton, OH at the end of my last quest for the past. I had gotten 2 DUIs in 6 months, had my first experience with a guy (whom i really cared about at the time), and was living with a great friend named Pam and her 2 kids who were also truly great!

After my 2nd DUI, i was put on house arrest for 30 days. Ankle bracelets SUCK, btw. It really wasn’t that difficult though. I could sit on my front porch and my neighbor would bring me beer. LOL. My bosses also liked me alot, they would let me stay on the clock and go out, and clock out when I was on my way home…do you know what strange looks you get when you are in a bar with an ankle bracelet on?? HAHAHA! Nothing really to talk about during that time, but I was quite lonely. My friends didn’t come to see me, and I couldn’t go to them. Oh well, some of them, i should have realized then weren’t actually friends, but my dumbass took several more years to figure that out…

I do remember after that, the neighbors house burned down. I slept through most of it, but when i got up, there were police and firemen everywhere. I didn’t find out what had happened until i saw the body bag come out later….his wife had died in the fire, she wouldn’t jump out of the 2nd floor window, even with guys below to try to catch her. She curled up under that window and burned to death. It was very hard, thinking about that, and looking at that house every day, knowing how she died. I think this is where my paranoia about housefires came from….I’m terrified that my house will catch on fire while i’m not home and kill my dog, or in the middle of the night. I’m always shutting stuff off now….it drives my current roommate nuts sometimes. LOL

I eventually got fired from the Loyal Oak…due to the fact that this bitch that i didn’t get along with got me fired. I had missed an employee meeting, and it wasn’t noticed until she complained to the owners about it. They really didn’t care, but since her friend had been fired for this, they had to let me go. Mark pulled me into the office and apologized profusely, not wanting to do it, but he had to and I understood.

I got a job at Starcher’s, the local pool hall. they had 20 pro tables, and help televised pro tounaments a couple times a year. I loved that job! I got free table time anytime I wasn’t working, and I took advantage of that to become a rather good pool player. I stopped playing for a couple years much later, and lost that, but I was going to start entering amateur tounaments then.

I was dating a girl named Alison at this point. A psycho, i should have realized, but hindsight is 20/20. She had 4? kids i think…only 1 in her custody. Gina had decided that her and her Mom were moving to Asheville, NC, and Alison decided that her and sean were going too. I would move down later. I drove with them from Ohio to Grafton, WV-my hometown, and the next day we were going to part and I was going to go home while they went on to NC. Somehow that night, Alison and Gina prodded me to move with them the next day, so I just didn’t go back to ohio, and onward to NC we all went.

So, I’m now living in NC, with a whole group of people-Louise (gina’s mom) and her girlfriend Red, Gina and Chuck, Me, alison and sean, and Red’s 2 other sons Roy and Will. Red managed a Pizza Hut, so she got me a serving job there (my first step up to server! woohoo!). We soon had some issues with the general manager, and Red and I both quit over principles. We moved several times and I’m not sure the exact sequence (we moved 12 times in 2 years…UGH!). We were living in a trailer park, Red and Louise and Red’s boys in one, and gina, chuck, alison, sean and me in another just down the street. Gina and Chuck broke up at the same time as Red and Louise, and they went home to Ohio. I was working 3rd shift at a CD/Tape packaging plant (HATED IT!)

There was a point that I broke up with Alison. Before we had come down to NC, I had come out to Gina, Alison, and Chuck Wolfe as bi, so they knew. Red and her whole family knew as well. Chuck Taylor and Alison and I were sitting on my bed one evening, and the conversation turned a bit…shall we say naughty….and a bet was the outcome. Chuck and I told Alison that she would chicken out in a threesome with us…needless to say, she didn’t chicken out. I think that was only so she could be with me again, since this was after our breakup. They both knew about me, and the rule was no male/male touching. This made it not much fun when he was so paranoid about even rubbing shoulders as we changed positions, but it was ok.

Within a week of our little tryst, i started dating Red. I don’t know why, she was 18 years older than me, and it was just….crazy. But it was fun, for awhile. LOL. Alison flipped her lid when that happened, and called her parents and told them to send her a bus ticket home. She got impatient, and didn’t wait for the bus ticket. She went to the neighbors, told them that chuck and I were plotting to kill her, and her parents drove down and picked her up that night. Crazy bitch! For sure, if I was plotting to kill her, first off I wouldn’t include anyone else in it, and second off, she’d never see it coming!

So then chuck and i moved in with red and the boys. we moved again, and again, and again……

I was working at Ragazzi’s Italian Restaurant on Tunnel Road when things started getting a little odd….Red had been clean and sober for many many years (almost 20 if i remember correctly) and one of her boys started smoking pot. Somehow, it just came to be that we all started smoking….we would literally buy a bag every night. Our landlord at the time (a lesbian who had a crush on red) supplied us well, and easy access, she lived in the house directly behind us, sharing the same driveway. I’d smoke a joint while walking 1 mile to work, work my lunch shift, smoke a joint on the way home, then we’d sit there the rest of the evening smoking up. Looking back, it was such a waste….

Red’s mother was informed by chuck that red was smoking again, and somehow this became my fault in her eyes. red had finished beauty school and was working in a salon. She was at work when her mom called me at home. She was screaming at me that i was worthless and that i had gotten her daughter back on drugs (she had done some very heavy drugs before-her rehab was very difficult for everyone). I ended up losing my temper and punching an oak doorframe while screaming at her mom. I broke my hand (a boxer’s break), but was so angry that I just put the bones back in place and kept arguing with Skip (her mom). She finally hung up. Later when red came home, things calmed down some, but we travelled to florida a couple times to see Skip and this was NOT comfortable.

Ragazzi’s was not going to let me work in my 1/2cast on my hand, until I proved to them that I could do it. They accepted the fact that it was ok, and i continued working with a broken hand. My career there as a server was short-lived, but i don’t really remember why….

I got a job at the Biltmore Dairy Bar…a HUGE place, serving lunch and dinner, mostly burgers and stuff…and 55 kinds of ice cream. 🙂 I worked my ass off there. My manager appreciated me TONS…I actually cussed out a guest in the middle of the dining room, and because I was right, I had no repercussions. That woman that i cussed out was a bitch!!! My manager just sent me out for a cig to calm down, and said that she’d take care of it.

It eventually came winter, and in April ’95 Red and I went to florida again. red’s youngest son was hit 8 years before by a Domino’s Pizza truck while playing in his front yard and had brain damage. He had to start his learning all over, at 8 years old…so at 16, he was an 8 year old with an impulse control problem (and he was bigger than me! Big kid with a bad temper….). Three times in the 2 years I was there we had to hold him down and have the cops take him away and institutionalize him. Very sad thing. Will was a very sweet boy when he wasn’t angry.

So the trip to florida was basically to settle the attorney’s stuff about will’s Settlement for his accident. It took them 8 years to do this….ugh. While in florida at skips house, we argued. we fought alot. Skip fought with me alot. It was the slow season for the restaurant, so I was only missing 12 hours on my schedule for the week i was there. I was only scheduled 12 hours the next week. Very slow that time of year. Red and Skip decided that I should go home to work and “support the family” while red stayed and dealt with other stuff. It cost more to send me home than i made that week, but oh well. I didn’t want to go, and felt that it was ridiculous. They put me on a bus for 27 hours anyways.

I got home, and started packing. Got all my stuff together, took some stuff over to a friends to keep for me (which i never did get to go back for), and had her watch red’s dog. My parents drove down and picked me up that weekend. I didn’t talk to red much that week, she just didn’t call. My dad drove straight through, up and back. We stopped at Hawk’s Nest State Park on the way home (finding out later the stop was because dad was having chest pain and needed to rest abit).

When we got home, dad said he was getting a shower and that mom should call an ambulance. WTF?! huh??? Dad had his third heart attack. While driving Mom to NC to pick me up. Christ, what a fucked-up mess. I called red a day later, having gone home alone to my parents house, taking a break from the hospital. I called red in florida. She asked me how her dog was, and i said “i don’t know. I’m not there.”….”where are you?”….”I’m at my parents.”….”You lying motherfucker! I’m gonna….blah blah blah….”

When mom and I got home in the evenings from being with dad at the hospital every day, there were messages from Red to my mom….Rhoda call me, we need to talk….I knew she was going to try to OUT me, so I went home for lunch the following day alone, leaving mom at the hospital. I called red….I said only this: “I know what you’re trying to do. You will stop calling my house. NOW. If you even THINK about calling and talking to my parents or family again, I will drive down there and kill you. Do you understand?? DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!” She hung up. She never called again.

I stayed long enough to get dad back on his feet, taking care of the house and the yard and all the stuff that dad does, until he could do it again and get back to work. Then I moved back to Ohio with a friend of mine, Billy, who I had met working at the Loyal Oak. We were real good friends, and I moved in with him, his g/f Paula and their son William. It was strange to say the least.

He got me a job with him on the floor care company for SuperKMart. I am now 25, living in Barberton, OH, and coming to realize that I’m not bi, i’m gay, and I’m tired of hiding it. I didn’t have a car at the time, and billy had the night off but was dropping me off at work. While he’s driving, I told him. I came out to one of my best friends at the time, while he’s driving. I worked with him, lived with him and his family, and he didn’t say another word during the trip. Nothing. He turned up the radio, dropped me off, and went home.

He picked me up in the morning, and we talked a little bit. He was ok with it, just shocked. He said he told Paula when he got home last night, and she (still to this day) denies that I’m gy. “He can’t be. He’s not like that.” It never affected our friendship  between paula and i, and it didn’t affect billy and I for another 10 or 12 years….but that story is later.

I ended up bouncing around for a bit. I lived with Gina and chuck wolfe for a bit (chuck wolfe married gina when she came back from NC). I moved in with Harley and Mike (Mike being my first, remember? the one i was infatuated with?). Stayed with them for quite awhile, but things got a little odd. That story will be a post all by itself someday…Harley and I became best friends at some point during this time. When he and Mike broke up, Harley would ask me to sleep with him to calm him down. Not sex, just sleep and hold him. He was emotionally destroyed for awhile, they had been together for 5 years. I ended up moving back in with Gina and chuck at some point, and was working 3rd shift at Eat-N-Park….what a crappy job. My very first experience with a tiny bit of ?homophobia? i guess, was there with another employee. I had walked up behind one of the guys I worked with (I was out by this point, except with my family) as he was saying something about Fags…I tapped him on the shoulder, and he turned around. The color drained from his face. he was a bit of a scrawny guy…and all I said is “y’know, I would hate for you to have to go home and tell your daddy you got your ass whooped by a fag. I suggest you shut your mouth.” He apologized over and over. We were ok after that, no harm done.

I dont actually remember where i was working at the time…i switched jobs often back then. I had done some landscaping, so maybe i was working there…i don’t know. But a friend was having a birthday party at a strip club that his g/f worked at. It was right down the street from my house, so I left my truck at home and walked to the bar. I rarely smoked weed anymore, and had never drank at the same time. We had met up with this guy at the strip club, and he and I hit it off. We changed venues to another bar down the street. During our drinking, the guys decided to go out and smoke a joint…now we had been drinking very heavily, and smoking that just completely made me lose my mind. This guy and I decided that we should all go to the gay bar-a huge dance club not too far away. For some reason, I refused to go without my truck, so I ended up walking home and getting my truck. Very bad mistake…..

So this whole group of straight guys, a stripper girl, and this guy i met all went to the gay club. (this wasn’t my first time in a gay bar, but My first time in a gay bar is another story for later hehehe). This guy and I had already decided that he was going home with me before we got to the club. During our massive drinking, he had said he was going home with someone else. This is all in bits and pieces at this point, as I found out that when I mix alcohol and pot I black out and remember almost nothing but small flashes of memories. But I pieced the story together. He came back shortly and said that no, he didn’t go home with that guy, and still wanted to go home with me. I said ok. Billy had already left, being trashed as he was. I was utterly trashed, and apparently I let this guy drive my truck, heading towards my house. We stopped at a pay phone, and I called billy’s house and talked to paula. Told her i was coming over there and that i was alone (which i wasn’t….hmmm). As we drove down Howard hill, towards billy and paulas (back towards the bar we had just left), a car cut us off. I do remember that….seeing a car almost hit my side of the truck because we were in the left lane of a 4lane street, and the guy swerved into our lane. The dude driving my truck veered to the left, lost control, and flipped my truck on the hillside. I have no idea why, but that was one of the very rare occasions that i had my seat belt on. It was the night of July 3rd, and my truck is upside down in the middle of the street. I woke up, unfastened my seat belt, and started going through the grass looking for my pager and glasses. That’s when the red and blue lights showed up….I wasn’t even sure what was happening, and was completely utterly trashed. I was in and out of consciousness for awhile, and when I finally woke up, i talked to the police in the ER. The guy driving my truck was gone. He had fled before the police showed up, so I was the only one at the scene. The hospital had done xrays and cat scans….and by now it’s 8 am on July 4th….the nurse said they wouldn’t release me until i had a ride. I called everyone I knew in Akron, and couldn’t get anyone to answer the phone. I told the nurse i was leaving anyways, and finally just walked out of the ER and walked home. Damn I was sore all over!! It took me 2 hours to walk home, and I had just sat down on the front porch when Billy came screeching into the driveway. He had heard the messages i left from the hospital, and had gone there to find me. the nurse there told him that i went out for a cig and never came back. Lying bitch. ugh.

Billy took me to the store to buy smokes, and it took me 10 minutes to get out of the car, i hurt so bad. They were going to the movies, and I just told them no, i’m not getting back in that car, and I’d go some other time, and went upstairs and went to bed.

I got charged with another DUI, because it was my truck and I was the only one on the scene. Even though the doctors said i had passenger-side seat belt injuries, it didn’t matter. I got 30 days in jail, and had to go to AA for 3 months. That’s where I met Diane S., and some other friends, and I shall stop here. Sorry it was so long, but I hope it was entertaining!! Sometimes real life IS more entertaining than TV LOL 🙂 Chapter5 coming soon……

a terrific civil union/marriage compromise

I have found an article in the Huffington Post from a Baptist minister regarding civil unions and marriage pertaining to everyone, not just gays. I completely agree with his idea. Here’s the link: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tony-campolo/a-possible-compromise-on-_b_826170.html?ref=fb&src=sp He talks about how the government should have nothing to do with “marriage” as it pertains to God, and how the church should have nothing to do with the legality of who can marry who in a civil union. If you want a church wedding, you file the civil union paperwork, then go have a church bless your union. If not, then you file the paperwork and that’s it. Churches can keep their noses out of the legality of it, and the government can keep their noses out of the religion of it. Perfect! I’m sure that the “christian right” will still find some problem to have with it, but it will be none of their concern at that point. IF YOU DON’T WANT A GAY MARRIAGE, THEN DON’T MARRY SOMEONE OF THE SAME GENDER!

hope and despair

HOPE

——-

Hope is what the world wants, needs, desires. Hope in equality, hope in achievement, hope in personal enrichment, hope in spiritual enlightenment, hope for the future. Is there any stronger thing in the world? Maybe only Love and hate….and despair. Everyone has hope, whether they believe it or not, but despair will try to deprive them of that truth. There is always hope. If you believe that there is hope.

Hope and Love of course go hand in hand, as do hate and despair. People with Love in their hearts will love others and have hope for their future, others’ futures, and positive things when they look forward. Exactly the opposite is true with hate and despair. People who hate see no future for themselves, are jealous of those with Love in their hearts, and despair of ever having good things in their lives.

I find it amazing how some people can let hatred lead them to despair so easily. Many don’t even try to combat it, and some don’t  even recognize it for what it is. Mind you, hate is not the only thing that can lead to despair. There is loneliness, jealousy, along with chemical dependency and other disorders, It’s not an easy thing to stay away from, but it IS possible.

I can not fathom why some people hate as they do. It’s a miserable existence, to feel animosity towards everyone, or even just particular groups of others. It feeds on your soul, and takes bits away as if it were a bite, ripping away chunks that you can never get back. It makes you feel worthless, jealous and alone. Why would someone make a choice to be these things? Humanity was not meant for this.

What humanity WAS meant for is love, brotherhood, unity, and a bright future filled with all the good things that this life contains. Your soul craves these things. Your soul is your anchor for your personal morality, your compass for right and wrong, your vase to fill with beautiful flowers or to empty and put away under the kitchen sink where no one can see it, appreciate it, or love it. And some  people don’t put the vase away, they just let the flowers rot, and leave the old stagnant water in it to turn brown with the rotting stems of the once-beautiful flowers. What kind of soul do YOU have? One filled with Love, one filled with Hate, or an empty one placed on a shelf? THIS is truly a choice. Not always consciously, but always a choice. You can choose to be hopeful or you can choose to lose yourself in your own miasma of negative emotions and actions.  It’s your call, and I’m not giving you a quarter to make it. You have to do it on your own. It’s your life, your mind, your body, your spirit, your very soul on the line, and it’s up to you to change what needs changed and make things better for yourself and those around you.

comments

I’d love to hear comments from the people reading! I will ask for no hatespeech, and that you use your own opinions and thoughts, not just the usual “the bible says…” crap.  Like the guy who had the leviticus verse about homosexuality tattooed on his arm, and a chapter later it says that tattoos are against god….hmmmmm…..

hate

You know, i have never understood why people have to hate on others. I understand that in school, those that fear their homosexuality, fear being found out, or just plain don’t understand those feelings tend to be hateful towards those that ARE out. But outright hate towards gays by adults? I’ve never understood that. This page on Facebook is hateful and needs to be reported as such: http://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=group_166097120085626&ap=1#!/pages/No-Tears-for-Queers/191900384171737  If you have a facebook and don’t agree with hatespeech, please report it. You don’t have to join to do so.

In my life, i’ve been bullied. I was not out, or even suspected of being gay in school, so I wasn’t bullied for being gay then. I was bullied because i wasn’t thin, or because i was shy, or because i hung out with certain people. But as an adult, i’ve had my nose broken twice-through no fault of my own. Both were sucker-punches, with the “heterosexual male” not even giving warning that he was upset about anything before doing it. I’ve been called a faggot (amongst other things)  while walking down the street, or coming out of a gay bar. I truly can’t imagine what my life in school would have been like if i had come out-but I do know it would have been miserable. I already had depression problems then, so i probably would not have survived high school in that case. I went to a small school in WV, and they were not accepting of anything back then. Now, many of my friends from school know, and have no problem with it. But still, a cold chill runs down my spine when I go to grafton knowing that people know about me now. My family no longer lives there, and I never visit that place alone. And even when I do visit, I usually only visit a select few of my closest friends while there, and don’t tend to wander around too much, except where i grew up and my old stomping grounds.

I just truly don’t understand the hate someone can have for a total stranger. These people that hate on gays don’t know us, any of us. I haven’t tried to seduce a straight guy (though i have had several offer themselves to me in curiosity). I don’t go around flirting with straight men, I don’t go around feeling them up, or touching their ass. But they hate me because of things I do in private, that they’ve never even seen me do. WTF? I’ve even been gay-bashed by one of my best friends, sitting at his kitchen table (not one of the times i had my nose broken, but had a black eye for a couple weeks). He knew i was gay for 10 years, he was fine with it. He had actually dated drag queens, so it’s not even like he was THAT straight. His wife came in after he sucker-punched me and called me a fucking faggot, and was she screaming and crying. she didn’t understand why he did it, and neither did I-nor do I to this day. He was drunk of course, he was always drunk, but still, that’s no excuse for punching your best friend. He of course immediately apologized, but we were never the same, and I cut him out of my life soon after that. A shame, truly. He’s asked his ex to have me call him, and i refuse. I will never let someone like that back in my life. My thoughts-why would I give someone back the knife that I had to pull out of my back so they can use it on me again??

I guess I’ll never understand why someone hates someone for who they love or who they have sex with. As if it’s any of their business. I’m not jamming it down their throats when asking for my rights, I’m just asking for my rights as a human being that I deserve. I deserve to be able to marry the person i love. I deserve to be able to make medical decisions about my life partner, i deserve to be able to adopt a child with my life partner, i deserve to be able to have him on my health insurance or vice versa, i deserve what every straight person deserves-my own life, and the perks that are a part of everyones life but the gay community’s. And I still don’t understand how people use the exact same arguments about gay marriage as they did about blacks and women and native americans. “they don’t deserve it” or “they aren’t real people” or “the bible says blah blah blah”. Many people back in the days of the black freedom marches argued against the rights of black people. Now those people are looked upon as bigots and hateful humans. Don’t the people that fight against gay rights see that THAT is how they will be viewed in 20 or 30 years?? Humans are supposed to learn from their mistakes, from the past…but they never truly do, do they?

my views on gay rights and the anti-gay advocates

I’m taking a break from writing about my past today, frankly I don’t feel like thinking about it at the moment. Today, I would like to address the gay rights versus “conservative christians” views.

First,  to address friend issues-how can you call yourself my friend, and openly deny my happiness? How can you be my friend and say that I should not be allowed to have a husband and family like you do? How can you look me in the eye and say that my love isn’t the same as yours, and doesn’t deserve to be recognized?? How can you love me, and believe that I’m not a human being with rights to have what every straight person has the ability to have.? How can you think of me in those terms and still be a true friend?? You can’t. It’s not possible to take that viewpoint and be my friend at the same time. Onward…..

I understand that people have different viewpoints on every subject. What I don’t understand is people poking their nose into things that truly do not affect them in any way, shape or form. I say again, Christianity and the Bible are a way to help you form your own morals and build your own beliefs. That does NOT give you the right to force everyone else to live by your beliefs. It does NOT give you the right to make laws forcing me to be unhappy for the rest of my life because i’m not allowed to marry the person i love. It does NOT give you the right to act in a way that is, in fact, opposite from what the bible teaches and teach your children to hate. You are condemning your own children, and in more ways than one! If/when the christian right wins, what do you think that the gays that are not out are going to do? They are going to stay in the closet and marry your sons and daughters so that they are the “norm”…until they can no longer deny who they are. Then they are going to come out, and emotionally devastate your families. It will be YOUR fault when your grandson/granddaughter asks you “why does daddy like men more than he likes mommy?” It will be YOUR fault when your daughter or son is crying in your living room saying “I don’t understand how this could happen!” YOU are forcing those people already afraid to come out to hide even deeper, and eventually it will come back to you.

I have found in my personal interactions with people,  that those that protest the most are the ones with the confusing feelings that they are trying to hide-the closet cases. It’s true. Those screaming “it’s a sin” are those afraid to come out, afraid to admit even to themselves who they are. Look around….the biggest bullies that picked on the gay boy in high school are now slinking in the shadows, cheating on their wives by picking up anonymous boys at the gay bar in the next town. And possibly not playing safe, and taking  diseases home  to their wives and families.  Now mind you, that is the same for straight men cheating with women. I literally know more “straight” men with wedding rings on their fingers having sex with men than I know out gay men dating men in a monogomous relationship. Those men with wedding rings, fucking guys in motel rooms and in the back seat of your car and in your bed while you’re away visiting your mother are your husbands, fathers, sons….either too cowed by their religion to admit (though they can adulter and have sex outside of marriage, THAT’S ok!) or too afraid what society will do were they to come out. And those are both because of the way the religious right have created an attitude of hate towards gays.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not blaming the whole christian faith, or all the people who believe in God. I’m not blaming the bible. The bible was written by men, translated dozens of times by men, and there are words in the bible that did not translate correctly into other languages. I’ve read up on some of this, and it IS true. The bible was also written for the times. “spilling the seed” and “a man laying with a man” were there to procreate the earth. There is no need, with almost 10 billion people on this planet, many of which we can’t feed and house. We don’t NEED to keep procreating at this point!! There are enough of us on the planet….it’s possible that this is a way of natural selection to STOP the overpopulation of Earth. DUH! it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure this one out…..

And as far as it being “unnatural”, that’s bullshit. There are over 400 species that have homosexual relationships in their “natural” processes. Many of whom are monogamous. And when animals are monogamous, THEY don’t cheat, so I think they have one up on most people nowadays….

Of the “Top 10” laws regarding the bible-the Ten  Commandments-there is nothing about homosexuality…there IS however LOVING YOUR NEIGHBOR along with one about NOT BEING AN ADULTERER. THESE are in the Ten Commandments, mortal sins….and yet you spread hatred and judgement on others, and allow men and women to cheat on their spouses, divorce, and REMARRY their misstresses/misters (?)…..WWJD?? Well, he wouldn’t run around calling people Faggots, beating them up, and trying to pass laws that specifically persecute them. He may not agree with them, he may not try to help, but he CERTAINLY wouldn’t be spending tens of millions of dollars trying to stop them from marrying when there are hungry people in every city in America! Entire countries with the majority of the populations starving and homeless….I have no respect for those christians who spend their money and time worrying about what MY marriage is going to do to theirs, when it’s going to do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to theirs. If you don’t want to marry the same sex, THEN DON’T! But I have the right to by living in this country and paying my taxes!

I would like to add this link…this is Melanie, a Mormon mother and wife, who speaks out for gay marriage and loving others:  http://www.dovesandserpents.org/wp/2011/02/first-comes-love-then-comes-marriage/  I have great respect for her and her message, even though the church has threatened her…I’m glad she’s speaking out, and I appreciate her and others like her!

This is part 1, I’m SURE I’ll have more to say in the matter! lol

the beginning-chapter 3

Well, I’ve gotten up to the point of my moving back to Ohio at 20 years old, and getting my own apartment after Di and I broke up….

While living in my apartment, i lived next door to a family-a family that happened to rent 3 of the 7 apartments at some point….Becky lived in Apt 3, her parents lived in Apt 1 with Becky’s brother and sister, and the brother eventually moved out into apt 6..right next to mine, apt 5. A great group of people! Many things happened in that apt building.

First off, it was my first time living alone…all alone. I didn’t like it. I was originally working at a full-service Holland Oil gas station until one of the guys set me up…they figured out that he was the thief later, but it still pissed me off that they fired me thinking it was me. About 3 weeks before i got fired, i had a really horrible day, and the shift at work (2nd shift) was going just as poorly. I decided to take my break, and go to the liquor store right down the street. I had JUST turned 21, and I bought a bottle of Bacardi and 2 2-liters of coke. I had never really drank before, so when i got home later and cracked the bottle, needless to say I got absolutely wasted.  I was puking before i went to bed, i was puking when i got up….i was ill. Not a good time, and yet I became a drinker LMAO. The second time, i drank a bottle of canadian whiskey….never ever touched that shit again, i thought i was gonna die from the hangover on that one…

I was not out at this point, but I did meet my first gay person…becky’s cousin brian. Very flambouyant, bright silk shirts, the swish….I liked him as a person, but couldn’t stand the “gay” rolling off him. Also, at this point, becky was dating a guy named Mike that I thought at the time was the cutest guy i had ever met.

As things progressed, becky and mike, along with her brother billyray and I decided to move into this nice house that was super-cheap and share expenses. We soon found out why it was so cheap….

I had changed jobs again, and was working as a dishwasher/busboy for a 24-hour diner. Diana’s grandparents had sold me their car before they had died (very nice impala). I worked 3rd shift, and things were happening at home that were very odd…but I wasn’t really believing it. for 3 weeks, nothing unusual ever happened when I was in the house.  At the end of the third week, i started to realize things….first, every single person that came to visit had their car break down within 24 hours…Dave’s brand new Eagle Summit broke down the day after he stopped by to visit,  and it happened to be the ignition system-the ONLY thing not covered by the warranty. The car was only a month old….The radio would switch to 88.1 and play Enter Sandman, regularly. The TV would just turn off or on. Now, for 3 weeks, becky and mike had been telling me of odd things, and I had just blown them off. Now things were starting to happen when I was home. I was sitting on the couch with becky watching TV-we were the only ones home. A red ball rolls out of my bedroom and across the living room floor. We just stared at it. I looked at her, and she just said “SEE! I told you!” So then, things started really rolling.

There was a ouija board, and we started using it. It was working. We learned all kinds of things….I was sensing “things” in the house, and there was definitely more than one. I sensed 4, and the board told us who they were…The strongest was a male, and I will not repeat the name, because to this day, if I do things start to happen. The second was also a male, not a good one either. The third was a woman, weak and afraid, not evil at all. The fourth was a little boy. He would peak around the corner of my bedroom into the living room and we could see him. Then he’d run back into my bedroom. It got to the point where we were getting drunk every night and using the ouija board, and things were happening more and more. Billy Ray moved out. He hated this stuff happening, and ended up breaking the board in half and throwing it in the trash….of course, it reappeared whole and intact in the bedroom the next morning…

Because we were always drinking at that point, I’m not really sure of the sequence of these events, but they all happened during that week. It started with the oujia board showing up again…not a good sign. When we used the board, almost always in the kitchen on the floor, we would hear screaming and glass breaking in the basement, feel and hear someone stomping through the house (we always stayed together at that point, so it wasn’t one of us), one time something “walked through” billy ray, and i had to carry him out of the house and across the street…he never went back to the house after that. One time we heard a child screaming for help in the basement. We didn’t know what else to do, so we went to see a local psychic that happened to be a friend of a friend. She told us much of what was going on and that  (i was shocked at this next…) that I am the one with the power to actually hide the boy from the others….that’s why he was hiding in my room. I had never known anything about this stuff, and i was just stunned. Then, when six of us watched a large tiger picture turn into the face of satan, we left. Being raised catholic, i had heard the stories, but never really thought much about the other spirits and things around….until now. So i talked them into talking to the priest down the street at the Latin Mass church. Becky’s sister was carrying becky’s son as we walked into the church…and the priest guided us into the basement/rec hall. As we were walking down the steps, stephanie was right behind the priest…..and steph was pushed so hard that she flipped over the priest and landed on her feet….the priest freaked for a minute. Then started handing us things….blessed rosaries, medals, prayers printed on little cards….he was in a panic. Once he calmed down a bit, he listened to our story, along with 2 nuns. As we told him everything that was going on, he got whiter and whiter…he finally said “if you don’t have to go back there, don’t ever return. Leave your things, just don’t go back.” Now, who can afford to leave everything they own?? We said no, but we’d like you to come and see what’s going on. He said “No. I’ve dealt with the devil before, and he almost killed me. I won’t ever come to your home.” The nuns said that they’d come, and he told them he forbid it, they were never to set foot on that property!  Again, i was stunned. The church was supposed to help with these types of things, and they left us to our own devices. Lovely. We moved out, splashing everything with holy water…it was a huge chore. We had nowhere to go, so we all stayed that night at becky’s mom’s house. We all slept on the floor in her living room. In the middle of the night, becky nudges me, and says “Look at the tapestry!” There was a tapestry of Mary by the front door, and with no lights on, it glowed a light blue. I was told later that she was protecting us. the next day, we made our plans and moved on. Things were never the same.

The “thing” followed becky for many years, i found out years later. We lost contact immediately after that, except for me and Mike. I was living in NC years later and mentioned it’s name in passing in a conversation, and it started all over again. Thankfully, at that point, i was living with someone with talent, and it was dealt with. At least temporarily, at that residence.

So I had moved in with friends, tina and chris. I got a job at the Loyal Oak Taverne in Norton, OH, while living in Barberton, OH with them. The Loyal Oak is where I met billy and paula. Billy worked with me, he was in the kitchen and i was a busboy, and helped out wherever was needed in other areas. This was also the time that i spent the night at mike’s apartment (he and becky had broken up) and had my first man/man encounter. I would have been severely disappointed in it if i hadn’t started caring about mike so much…it was just, well, plain, and rushed. Anyway, not important, and i’m not going into detail about it.

So I moved again, and I moved in with Pam, who was the manager at the Loyal Oak. She was great! I still love Pam as one of my best friends ever, though i lost contact many years ago. I’d LOVE to find her again! This is where i start losing control of my life. So many things going on, and I’m gay and in the closet and having severe issues with that. I’m still 21, and depressed and drinking heavily. my ford escort broke down, and i was having trouble fixing it, so i got drunk, got angry, and took a baseball bat to it. I totally destroyed it, they just towed it away. It wasn’t even worth trying to fix after that. I had several cars throughout my year or two with Pam. At one point, i was on my way home, with Mike following (well, he was SUPPOSED to be following me), I had gotten angry at the bar, and I was flying down *-76, not realizing that i was passing a cop-going the same direction. I was so focused on my anger, that i didn’t even realize it. My first DUI. I found out later that mike’s car had broke down on the highway in akron, long before i got pulled over. They arrested me, towed my car, booked me, and then the arresting officer took me home. ??? wow, very nice of him….

Six months later, i got another one. Same spot, same cop….but that is for the next chapter..:) This one is long enough as it is.

To Be Continued!!!

the beginning-chapter 2

I realized after going over my last post, that I skimmed over high school and left almost everything out. Unconscious mind blockage, that is my excuse. I absolutely hated high school, and if not for my close friends at that time, i wouldn’t be here today. So thank you to those that i was close to in those years…the closest being Tara, Teresa, Dallas, Melissa,  Tammy and Beth for the girls side, and scott, todd, chuck, johnny, ed and jimmy for the guys. These are the people who had to listen to me vent and they put up with my crap on a daily basis. I’m sure there are others that I haven’t put here, but please don’t feel neglected. It’s a mind-set thing, and in my mood right now, these are the people that come to mind.

Onward! High school was hell. I had already decided that, after 5-8 grades, i hated WV and the schools and the way kids treated outsiders. And that’s what i was, an outsider. I was never accepted as “homegrown” and I never fit in. Now, I wonder if that was because i wasn’t from there, or because somehow, subconsciously, we all knew i was different because i’m gay. I will probably never know. The Island Of Misfit Toys has always been my home…:)

My memories are foggy sometimes, and I may be confused and mix up the year of certain events, but this is what i remember most from high school….hating, being hated, and hiding behind that mask i made with that big smile. I was never truly happy, but i forced myself to hide it, and to only show a smiling face to all….only a select few knew when i was upset about something, or pissed off….most just saw me smile my way through everything. That mask is what kept me from throwing myself off the dam, since that would be easiest….and the fact that i belong to the water, and i would return there. (my parents bought me SCUBA classes for my 14th birthday).  I was bullied through every year of high school…and I can’t even imagine the bullying i’d have had to deal with if i had come out then. At that time, i pretty much hated my life, every aspect of it.

Ok….freshman year, my most outstanding memory is of getting the one and only F i ever got in school…in mechanical drawing. The teacher was a moron, and expected too much work to be done without teaching anything. Out of a class of 32, only 2 people passed, and if i remember correctly, they were second-year student. I would probably have gone on to be an architect or some type of draftsman if he had not been so idiotic that it completely turned me away from drawing of any kind. i don’t remember much else about that year….

My sophomore year memory is driver’s ed….those of you remember GHS and drivers ed….a quarter doing bookwork, a quarter for study hall, a quarter for driving, and another quarter for study hall.

My junior and senior years are a blur…the dances, the hanging out, getting laid for the first time…..but my memory is so fuzzy, i remember WHO i went to the dances with (homecoming, varsity ball, prom) but not which dance i went to with whom, or which dances i didn’t attend.  Most people i know can rattle that stuff off like it was yesterday….but not me. I DO remember the Chess Club, the chess tournaments we went to…jim and brian  getting me to start smoking…but mostly i remember computer classes my senior year.

Computers…i liked them when I was a senior. I took 3 classes dealing with computers and programming, along with a night college class.  I was into it…until the end. I remember the exact moment that i started disliking it…the minute that Mrs. Decker accused me of cheating and tried to have me expelled. I remember what i did clearly, and the outcome, but it was not as she believed. Melissa always had problems in class, and i helped her all the time.  I was too busy one day to help her, so I gave her my disc and told her to look at my assignment and how I did it, so she could see what to do. Instead, she copied it, changed the name on it, and turned it in. That was not my intention at all, but the instructor believed that it was. I remember my mom going in to a meeting with the teacher and principal, and discussing it. She had Mrs. Decker in tears in that room. A month before graduation, and she was trying to get me expelled….gee, how would THAT look on my permanent record?? All i was doing was trying to help someone, not trying to cheat. Ugh. I kinda didn’t want anything to do with computers after that, as I saw it as things can be done that you can’t prove, and you can be blamed for them….along with the bad taste in my mouth from her treatment….

I did graduate, and nothing came of the allegations from Mrs. Decker….thankfully…but I had no way to actually prove what I did or didn’t do….I DID give her my disc, but NOT with the intention of her doing what she did…so did I actually cheat?? Tough question, and I’m glad that the principal sided with me…and thankfully that I had NEVER been in trouble at school, not ever. I was truly a very good boy until i turned about 20 or so….;)

A couple weeks after graduation, i did a temp job for Heck’s department store doing inventory…the WHOLE STORE inventory. Took about 2 weeks, midnight shift. They liked my work, and soon after that, offered me a job. I worked there  for 11 months….along with a job at a local full service gas station pumping gas. I also got a 3rd job at a McDonald’s in Morgantown, and I was also doing volunteer work with the Emergency Squad on the ambulances. On thursday morning, i left home to drive to McDs for work…It was chilly, but there was nothing on the roads as far as snow or ice. Or so I thought. I hit a patch of black ice on a curve, and spun my Caprice out…slamming into a rock backwards. I don’t know how long I was out, but I came to, blood on my forehead, and walked 1/4 mile to the closest house. They were up, and getting ready for church, but stayed, let me call my parents to come pick me up. I thought that since i was bleeding from my head, that i should probably go to the hospital and get checked…but dad said i was fine. Having volunteered on the ems squad for a couple years at this point, i really thought that i should go to the hospital, but dad said no, he wasn’t taking me, i was finel. I went home, and slept for 24 hours straight through. I spent a saturday night at the EMS answering the phone, and had to go to work the next morning at 6 in morgantown, so I left after getting almost no sleep, and began the drive to work, about 40 minutes away. I made it to the bottom of Hospital Hill, and that is the last thing i remember until I was crawling out of my car….I don’t remember driving up the hill (a 1-mile drive), or waving at my ex-girlfriends mother along the way…but at the top, i went through a telephone pole…snapped the pole into 4 pieces, riding one piece across a ditch and placing my car right up against a house. Not even a scratch on the house, but you couldn’t slide a piece of paper between them. As I got out of the car, there were phone lines strung over the top of my car, and i hit my head on one….realizing that one of them might be power lines, i ducked down and crawled away from the car and the lines. I happened to be right in front of my exes house, and of course she heard the accident and came outside….took me in, bandaged my knuckles (i put my hands in front of my face as I jolted forward) and called chuck, a friend of mine. He happened to be DJing at a local gospel radio station alone that day, put on a long-play record, and came to see me LOL. We also called my parents….who were getting ready for church, and my brother was visiting from Ohio. They came down…the police officer that showed up at the scene was my roommate’s ex-husband, so he called her, and she came down (in her pink bunny slippers, i might add LMAO). It was like a 3-ring fucking circus….and all my dad did was bitch because when he opened my car door, a mcdonalds bag fell out. OMG, are you fucking kidding me!?!? But in the end, i completely lucked out. I wasn’t charged with anything, and my insurance paid the TRIPLE TIME for the repair crews to come out and replace the pole. I went to the hospital, was checked out and was fine. Had a heart monitor on for a week, and that came back normal. So, good to go, right? hmmmm.

Now that my car was smashed front AND rear, it was junk. the rear end was smashed up pretty well from the rock 3 days before, and now the hood looked like a horseshoe. I had not been wearing a seatbelt, and my chest completely shoved the steering wheel INTO the dash, you couldn’t even budge it. My knees had smashed the underneath dashboard. The car was fucked. Needless to say, I couldn’t work at mcdonalds (a 40-minute drive, remember?) anymore, so had to quit. I was just working at the department store after that. dallas was pregnant, and we got back together, since we got along so well when i crashed my car in front of her house. soon though, i figured out that i wasn’t the dad, and began to have issues. I moved to Ohio with my sister and her family…i’m now 19, and found a job at a gas station by the highway. I moved, got a couple different jobs, then fell on hard times and had to move back home.

Now, before moving away, as I was working at Heck’s, i get a phone call at work…i NEVER get phone calls, so I knew something was wrong. It was my parents neighbors calling to say that dad had a heart attack and was at the hospital, and they were coming to pick me up. Dad had just finished building the new house, and they were moving in that day…mom had gone to lock up the old house for the night, and dad and his friend bob were relaxing at the kitchen table when my father just passed out. Bob figured out what was happening, and not knowing what to do, punched him in the chest. The doc said that saved his life, his heart had already stopped, and that restarted it. Bob then threw dad in the truck and started driving to the hospital. On the way, they were passing my mom coming home, and she pulled over. She rode with them to the hospital, without realizing that she left her car sitting by the side of the road, running, lights on, and door hanging open. Their neighbors found the car that way, immediately called the hospital to see if they were there and then called me and picked me up. Not long after that, I moved to my sisters. Then back home again.

A couple weeks after moving back home, my dad’s secretary calls the house and says that dad’s on his way home (in the middle of the day). Dad never, ever misses work. So I knew something was up. I asked Kim why….and she said that dad was working on a hillside and passed out. Ok. I called mom at work and told her, and she said she’d be right home. I was hanging up the phone with mom when dad pulled in the driveway. I said Hi! You’re home early! how funny, I just talked to mom, and she’s on her way home too, she got off early! and he said, So Kim called you, even after i told her not to, huh? And he went and got in the shower. Mom got home, figured out what was going on, and drove him to the hospital. Yes, he had another heart attack.

This time was worse, and he had a pacemaker put in. I stuck around until dad was better, and then a friend that i worked with in Ohio called me. She was now a manager in her own store, and she wanted to come and pick me up, take me to ohio to work for her. I’d live with them and work for her, and I’d be in akron ohio.

Working at yet another gas station. yay. LOL. As I worked there, I had regular customers. Dave came in every morning and got orange juice. He came in every evening with his wife Gloria and played the lottery. After awhile, they came in with their daughter Diana. We hit it off right away. We started dating. They let me move in. I was nearly 20, she was 17. He got me a maintenance job at the Akron Jewish Center, and he was my boss. He took a night job cleaning office buildings in the evenings. He got me a job working under him there as well. I was a supervisor. I got engaged to Diana, though we fought often. Her father found out we were having sex and went ballistic. He practically disappeared for a weekend. We were ok after that, but I moved out anyway. Diana’s grandmother passed soon after, and her parents asked me to go with them to the house to secure it, and stuff. Diana had spent the weekend with her cousin, and every time she did, she came back with a massive attitude, and we fought again in her deceased grandmothers kitchen, in front of her mom while her dad was downstairs. I told Di about her attitude, and about where I thought she got it, and she got pissed off, turned around and grabbed a knife off the kitchen counter and proceeded to threaten me with it. I was fucking irate….i was NOT backing down, and I took a step forward…her mother grabbed me from behind, knowing that if I got to Di, I was going to shove that knife down her throat. No one threated me like that, not after what I put up with in high school. Never again. Her father appeared out of nowhere, and literally “flicked” Di into the living room, where she proceeded to try to cut him….he finally got the knife away, and somewhat calmed her down. I left. Soon after, I went to their house to break up with her. It was not pretty, not one bit.

By now, I was living in a small apartment in akron, near barberton. I decided to quit my jobs, because Diana would often accompany her father to work and help out. He said I didn’t have to, but I didn’t feel right working for my exes father, and running into her at work occasionally. I should not have quit, that was one of the best jobs I’ve ever had. Oh well, hindsight.

So there, i have filled in about my high school and -between years, and I have caught up to where I left off in the Chapter 1…:) Hope you enjoy, and more to come.

the beginning, chapter 1

Thought I’d start to fill in some of my past, starting at the beginning. The very beginning.

I was born just north of Pittsburgh in a small town called Monaca, PA. The only thing I remember from there is having my ass beat all the way up the driveway for riding my tricycle down into the street and sitting on the yellow line in the middle of the street and watching the cars go by LMAO! I was 3. We moved to Ohio soon after….

My father worked for the Corps of Engineers, so he transferred to Michael J. Kirwan Dam when I was 3. We moved into the project on the government property, not knowing that the neighbors (dad’s boss and his wife) were absolutely insane. It got worse as the years wore on…but that comes later.

Growing up in a place that is far from everyone and pretty secluded, i pretty much kept myself entertained. I walked in the woods, went to the dam and watched the water, or went down to the boatramp to watch the boats on the lake. Riding my bike was my life (I loved riding my bike!). As I got a little older, i was allowed to ride my bike further, and visit some friends in the tiny little town of Wayland, OH. It literally had one little store, and the post office was inside the store. It was a tiny little place.

There were many happy memories in Ohio as a child. I made straight A’s in school, i had a couple close flriends, and it was a typical, normal life, so I thought. Living right on the lake was great! There was a huge hill to sled ride on in the winter, there was the water in the summer, and I was fairly happy.

Then, when I was 10, things changed. The neighbor’s wife got pretty nasty, to the point of getting violent with my mother, and my father transferred to Tygart Dam in Grafton, WV. Peg (the neighbor’s wife) was just a bitch, so we thought at the time. Finding out later that we think she had alzheimers and didn’t know what she was doing, but we knew nothing about that at that time. So, onward…to WV.

I’m 10 years old, starting the fifth grade at a new school in a small town in WV. We lived even farther from everyone, the closest neighbor was over a mile away, and people with kids even further. I was an outcast. I talked to a few people, had a couple friends, but not good ones. More like acquaintances. My grades dropped, I was picked on at school, and I hated it. The adults waved and were friendly, but the kids were horrible. Sixth grade took us to middle school. I was still making B’s and C’s, but not the A’s I was making in Ohio.

The middle school was an impossibly old building up on the hill. The buses couldn’t even get to the street that the school was on, so they dropped the kids off on Main Street, and we walked up the concrete steps, 263 of them, to the school. Rain, snow, sun, it didn’t matter, that’s what we did. It sucked. Not enough heat, or way too much. No a/c, the huge old wooden windows being opened for air provided nothing…and the kids got worse. I survived, but had a couple run-ins, and even my bus didn’t take me all the way home. It dropped me off at the bottom of the huge hill that we lived on top of, and I had to wait for the high school bus to stop and pick me up to take me the rest of the way.

When I was 12, my mom started working at The Mountain Statesman, the local newspaper. She did circulation stuff, printed off labels for the papers being delivered (they mailed them, they didn’t get delivered by the newspaper people).

The sixth and seventh grades were pretty unremarkable, even though I was starting to look at the guys around me and wonder….but being in a small town in WV, there was no way I would ever let these kids know what I was thinking. When I was in the 8th grade, I met a girl named Teresa, and we became friends, went to our first dance together, and started dating. That was also the year that I had gym class, and at the end of class one day, a couple of the jocks held this poor kid down on his knees while one of them proceeded to try to make him suck his dick because they “thought” he was gay. And they did this in front of the whole class when we were lined up waiting for the end of the period bell. I knew that day that I would never come out as long as I lived there, and that I had no choice but to wait until I was out of school and move away as soon as possible.

I dated Teresa for 2 years, and being that she wanted to save herself for marriage, it was perfect for me. No expectations or pressure on either of us. I wonder now if she had suspicions, since I never even tried to get her to go further than she stated in the beginning. And to be perfectly honest, I wasn’t disgusted by women as most gay men seem to be, I was just more interested in men. I still had no choice but to wait until I was an adult though. I could not even try to experiment with a friend, because of the consequences if he said no, or it got out what I was thinking…..

Moving into high school, I dated Teresa until the 10th grade. She broke up with me because I had started smoking, and she found out. I had hidden it for quite some time. After that, i saw no reason to hide it, and started going out to the smoking area behind the school.  I didn’t date anyone for the rest of that year.

In the 11th grade, i met Dallas. We hit it off, and she was great to hang out with. She had had sex with her previous boyfriend, and she was my first. She was a year ahead of me in school, so at the end of the year, she graduated.  We dated for 2 years, on and off, and at some point she had gotten pregnant. I realized that she had gotten pregnant when we were apart for a month, but I thought I could handle it…I was wrong. I had been working at a department store, and my sister in Ohio offered to have me move up there because the jobs were better, and I took her up on it. So I moved to Ohio when Dal was 8 months along….I realized as soon as I moved away that I loved her, but not like I should if I were going to raise a child with her and spend the rest of our lives together, so I cut ties mostly. She pressed a paternity suit which was negative in the end. I say the baby only once after she was born. I ended up cutting ties to her altogether soon after that. So I’m now living in Ohio for a short time…I’m 19, my first time away from home, and things were hard.

My father had his first heart attack awhile before I moved away, but he was better by the time I left. Things were hard, and I had no ability to budget money (and am still piss-poor at it LOL), so I ended up having to move home shortly thereafter. Just in time for me to be at my parents house in WV when my father had his second heart attack.

I’m going to stop here for now, and will continue this story soon. I’m now 20, living at my parents in WV, and things start to get interesting….

feb 4 2011

Ah the life! Waiting for the money to get the paperwork together for my cab job, and took Crysta to work today. Other than that, I’ve been fairly lazy today! 🙂 I laid in bed and read my book and dozed on and off, which feels great, since I haven’t been sleeping well. Watched a movie called Let Me In last night, pretty good! vampire movie…..

Gina is bringing pizza over for us! YAY! Little Caesar’s!! WOOHOO! I so have missed Little Caesar’s! There is one over in west ashley, but we don’t go over there much…so we’ve gone without until they just opened a new one right here on James Island! 🙂

Had a former friend send me an email…hmmm. At least he admitted to being wrong about something that we had disagreed on (nothing to do with why we are no longer friends). I truly hope that he doesn’t think he’s going to get back in my life….it won’t happen. I’ve been burned on my second chances too many times. I only give one chance, and once I’m told to go, there is no turning back. I will not hand someone the knife they put in my back so they can stab me with it again.

I don’t understand people. I’ve told a couple guys that are interested in me that I’m not wanting to jump into another relationship at this point, and am only looking for friends. They seem to think that means I’m dating them, or want to date them. Hmmmmm, if I say I just want to be friends, there is no reason for someone to keep saying “I’ll wait” or especially “who were you with when you didn’t answer your phone?”  I’m beginning to lean towards saying i have a couple of stalkers. Ugh. Seems I can’t keep the ones i want, and can’t get rid on them when I don’t want….grrrrr.